I’m working on releasing the frightened child inside of me, and maybe turning that skill onto my own son. Learning to give him the confidence I didn’t have. In teaching him, I am recovering myself. Heal the wound of fear and the wound of insecurity. Learning to love myself for those who don’t know what to do with me. What to make of me. I let myself be molded, shaped like clay into what you needed me to be. And adapt I did—I conformed and bent to whatever you needed me to be. Anything you wanted. The shiny, exactly-as-you-need-it, always on girl. No one asked what I wanted to be.
They handled my perceived mental fragility like a bomb, moving me with care until I could be safely ensconced on the next level or with the next person and they could say they did a job well done. Got what they needed and mission accomplished. It didn’t register until very recently that NO ONE knew what to do with me because they were afraid. The potential radiating off of me burned their skin as I walked by. The power choked them even though they wanted to taste it. Did I need to be harnessed? Could they harness it? Did I need to be tamed? Or developed? My mind moved far beyond my body and they got confused as I tried to make my way as they served their purpose with my talents.
All I needed was a hug. Love. Acceptance. No expectation for self-soothing the abandonment I felt as I grew without a support system. No chastising the ideas I had that were beyond what they saw as possible. No shame in the body given to me as I felt no shame. I was never meant to be handled, certainly not by the hands I let touch me. No one was ever meant to make me. I needed to make myself.
I was meant to be unleashed. To be myself. To heal the fear of loving every imperfection. TO LIVE. I knew a way they never dreamt of and it frightened them to the core because it challenged every belief they had. So they dismissed it, and dismissed me. I’m remembering the way myself as I learn to let go. As I bless who I was and as I honor a past both beautiful and painful, both complete and lacking. As I welcome a future, simply made of ME.
That is the point. I never needed their permission, I never needed to ask to do the things I wanted to. I just needed to welcome a way to do it and to understand that I could do it all along. It was mind to do with as I saw fit—not for them to say I could. We aren’t meant to tame ourselves for someone else’s comfort or for their belief. It’s simply to exist and fulfill our purpose in the moment. And they have always been my moments.