Today I’m grateful for self-awareness. I went to a family gathering yesterday and I haven’t been in a group of people for over a year. My chest tightened as the event moved indoors because of rain and I ended up having a complete panic attack. I couldn’t think straight and I started getting angry and frustrated and lashing out. I reverted to fight or flight mode—started as fight and then ended in flight. I looked at my husband and I told him that we HAD to leave. I ended up having to take some medicine to calm down. I realized that while it can be valuable to push ourselves, it may not work before we are ready. I can’t make it work or feel comfortable if I’m not ready. That isn’t to say that we need to be 100% certain before taking action, but it is to say that I know I need to do what feels right to me. The peace came in after I rested and really thought about it.
Today I am grateful for understanding. While I was having the panic attack, one of our family friends and my brother pulled me aside and I realized that I was also being triggered by the number of things coming at me at once. I wasn’t comfortable with that many people, we just put our house on the market, we are trying to find a house where things are moving REALLY fast, my son is asserting his independence at every turn, I have had a tumultuous two months with a lot of loss. It felt comforting to be seen and heard in that moment—even though I still had to leave—it felt nice to know that someone understood.
Today I am grateful for my husband’s support. I’ve been a perfectionist for so long that I forget some people just don’t look at things as I do. My husband is one of the most laid back people I know and he has been carrying the burden of preparing the house for sale and dealing with my insanity for the last few months. He hasn’t been perfect, he’s still done what he wants to do, but he hasn’t left my side for a moment. And he hasn’t judged me or resented me for anything the entire time. Even when I’ve been in the heat of an “I told you so” tantrum, he has held my presence and taken it with grace and ease. I admire his ability to do that—and I’m often jealous that I struggle with it. But I know I wouldn’t be able to get through the day without his presence, even when I’m irritated.
Today I am grateful for new possibilities. I have been dwelling in this place of memories and of what things should look like for a while. I felt myself trying to cling to some old mindsets related to what I wanted things to be like and I got caught up in the emotion of what things are NOT. Plus life has sped up considerably over the last few days so I’m dealing with making very quick decisions when I like to take my time and weigh things out. But they say that growth occurs in discomfort and I recognize that this process is making me see that there is a big world out there and sometimes when opportunities come you just have to leap even if it isn’t how you planned. There is a whole world out there that is waiting for me to claim it.
Today I am grateful for my body. I’m honoring everything my body has been through and I am so grateful to be alive. When I take the time to look at everything I’ve done to myself and that has happened to me, I am so appreciative of the strength and resilience I have been shown over and over again. The body is a remarkable machine, a biological computer tapped into the energy of the universe and, as I’m working on stepping into the next step of my life, I’m really grateful for everything my body can do.
Today I’m grateful for the next step. One thing I’m proud of is my ability to adapt. I may go along kicking and screaming while things are changing, but once I’m there, I’m on board 100%. I’m proud that once I get over the hump I am present and accounted for. My anxiety makes it difficult to completely let go of intrusive thoughts of what I may have wanted, but I have the ability to keep a firm ground on how things are once the change has occurred. The challenge for me is often deciding (on anything) because I want to know how things will turn out and no one has a crystal ball that tells them what the future will look like. As I said above, discomfort encourages growth, so next steps are the only way to see what adventures come our way. I have the opportunity to view things differently along the way. So here’s to the future.
Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.