Beginning When You Have No Choice

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Roughly five weeks ago I found out I had some health issues going on.  I went to the doctor yesterday to continue the process of following up and determining next steps/finding conclusive answers.  I am so grateful that I got positive news that guided me in the right direction.  I also got some unexpected news that essentially put the issues squarely in my court.  Meaning I am going to have to take decisive action to make sure that I stay healthy—it’s a choice and it is something I’m going to have to commit to.  It is completely manageable—as long as I do what I need to.

I’m actually thrilled about it because it isn’t anything that I can’t take care of.  But it is a huge lesson in accountability.  From now on anything that happens is a direct result of what I do, and that is the perfect place to start any endeavor. Understand your role in the choices you make and where it’s taking you.  The other side of this is the personal toll and doing some real soul searching.  You see, the issues I’ve been having are not a result of what I thought they were—hormonal issues to put it simply.  This means that all those years of dealing with the feelings I’ve had, the emotions, the fluctuations were all engrained in me—they were not organic.

Again, it is a good thing because I have the option to make things different.  But I feel sadness that I didn’t recognize it earlier.  I think of all the pain I caused, the anger I felt, the sadness I felt as a result of my actions.  I feel guilt that that I behaved in a way I thought was justified and regret that I may not be able to explain it to anyone.  I also feel a tremendous sense of loss because I clearly made wrong decisions from ego that could have been different, could have changed the course of my life. 

I know this isn’t uncommon and we all have to come to terms with our demons.  I just didn’t expect a physical condition to bring them so clearly to light for me.  I’m not perfect and I accept that.  But I know I’m supported in working through this.  They say we face the same lessons until we learn them.  I feel terrible that I thought I would be able to excuse some of my behavior with a medical condition.  But I am so grateful to have the chance to make it right—or at least try to.  I’m also grateful to reaffirm that this all starts with us.  That we need to dig deep and find that truth inside of ourselves.  I am human and I have made the wrong choices previously but I am learning from them every day.  Those days that I’m feeling regret over now are honestly lessons in humility and witnessing the grace of others. 

When things aren’t what you think they are, or when they don’t go how you think they are supposed to, that is often a mirror being held up for you to witness what it is inside that needs to be addressed.  For me, it’s many of the ideas I’ve been sharing already—witness the self, accept the imperfections, learn from the failures.  I’ve felt at home speaking about it for years and I’ve so often seen the need for so many people to examine themselves.  That is my mirror.  That is what I need to witness and work on—putting into practice what I preach.      

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