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We have come full circle in the crazy events at work.  The woman never brought up any issues with me to HR, she kept it to the previous issues she had.  The events at work over the last week have shown me how important self-love and self-confidence are.  It is easy to be swayed by other people or to lose your step when other people question your abilities.  When you are firm in your choices and your authenticity, it is easier to let opinions go.

No matter what we preach or how hard we practice there is always room for improvement with practice.  So how am I loving myself today?  I took a day to work from home rather than go in.  I woke up and stretched and did some exercises for my low back.  I drank extra water today.  I spent time cleaning up and clearing things out.  I spent time creating.  And I spent time working on affirmations to reinforce that I am on the right path and to help ease anxiety.  I used some affirmations to touch base that I am connected with guidance and that I am protected and well.  I am loving myself by believing in myself and taking steps to move forward.

Having confidence and self-love is about connection as well.  How do we need to stay connected at this point?  With clarity, with faith, and with work.  Taking action by taking the time to make clear decisions based on who we are is where you align.  And our work can’t just be busy work, it has to be meaningful work.  That is the kind of work you find when you align in faith with your purpose.  I’ve learned that I don’t always need to move as fast as I think I do.  Things tend to unfold just as they were meant to be.  There is no need to push.  I also find clarity through gratitude.  Believing all is ok, I am well and protected, and that I am following the path I am meant to.  That belief helps us find what we are passionate about—and ultimately our purpose.

What am I passionate about?  Liz Gilbert talks about the difficulty with finding passion and believes that sometimes we put too much pressure on ourselves to find a driving force.  Even if we find something that excites us, that is still an external focus.  So she suggests asking what we are curious about.  When we reframe that question, you will find that you have a lot more answers and you can peel back the layers to find what motivates you.  It’s easier to state, “I am curious about language” or “Wouldn’t it be cool to learn a new language” that it is to say I want to unite different countries by spreading education about communication.  This puts you in a place to learn something new and to develop tools and interests that may end up being what drives you.

So many people who are multi-passionate are either labeled as flighty or too _______ (insert adjective here: intense, emotional, “much”).  They called me too serious—but had no problem coming to me if they needed something from me when things went to hell.  I can absolutely admit that I am serious—but I no longer will consider that a flaw.  I take my pursuits seriously and passionately and with devotion.  I don’t regret how “big” I feel when it comes to things I care about.  I love hard.  I cry hard.  I laugh hard.  I defend hard.  I feel what I feel.  I am bothered by unaffected people but I admire those with emotional self-control.  I’d love to not wear my heart on my sleeve but it is an asset.  The truth is I downplayed my feelings for a long time and was still considered too much—but I felt everything and had no outlet.  I know now that I want to feel.  I want to feel the excitement and I want to feel it all the way to my bones.  I refuse to let people turn one of my biggest assets into a weakness.

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“The Universe has big plans for me.  It’s time to claim them.” Gabby Bernstein, Super Attractor deck.  After the incident with my coworker’s employee, this message resonated closely.  It is not for any of us to play small.  The truth is this life is a gift.  I am blessed.  And my gratitude made me think about this incident more deeply.

My style of leadership is really collaborative and open but I also have firm boundaries and I am highly communicative.  Sometimes that communication is my downfall–I have overshared before.  After this woman called into question my methods for running this department I started feeling like a weak leader.  I know logically that my style and my accomplishments haven’t been raised as an issue with my boss but I still asked what I did wrong—about a woman I HAD NEVER MET BEFORE.  It hit me that the only mistake I have made as a leader is to not stand behind my actions and not have the confidence that I needed to trust that some people are just not going to be satisfied.  Once I drew that card this morning, I knew I had to redirect.

I will not allow myself to spiral for the sake of a person I have never met.  I can not let someone have that much power over me.  I will make my choices and I will stand firm when I am the subject matter expert in an area.  People are allowed to have their opinions—that doesn’t mean I need to change my operation for people who are not impacted by what I do.

Clearly something in me, something about me, triggers people.  GOOD.  I finally understand that I don’t need to be everyone’s cup of tea.  I’m not going to give up my shot to play nice with people who have no intention of hearing what I’m really saying.  So it is time to accept what I am meant to do and take responsibility for my gifts.  No one can keep that from me anymore, not even myself.

There are some affirmations that go along with owning your authenticity.  I will step into my power and use it to share my gifts with the world.  I will not yield until I unearth all of the amazing things in me.  The way we speak to ourselves matter—choose your words wisely.  Don’t stand in the direction someone has blindly place you.  Go where you are called.

-You will be too much for some. Those aren’t your people.-

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An incident happened at work with an employee from a department one of my co-workers oversees.  I had never met nor spoken to this woman and she brought forward some critiques over my area in an attempt to discredit my work.  My initial reaction was confusion as I had no idea where these attacks were coming from–again we had never met.  Then I started questioning my skills and then why I felt this way at all.  I decided to hear the woman out and our first meeting did not go well.

I am the first to admit that I tend to take criticism to heart and I have a history of feeling defensive especially when someone makes sweeping judgements.  In this circumstance, I can say with 100% confidence that I kept myself as open as possible and wanted to hear this woman out.  The short version is there was no appeasing her.  There was no middle ground.  There was no right answer any of us in that meeting could have given her.  The conversation continued to escalate and we had to stop.

This event was the epitome of someone with some kind of trauma history as well as someone who is extremely calculated and knows exactly how to play the game so there is no winning—on either side.  I began thinking about what a hostile and dangerous a work environment is when people are allowed to behave like this.  I started thinking about how our business had gone from so disproportionately in favor of the department/business and now is equally disproportionately in favor of the individual employee.  You can not have a business run making decisions based on 4000 individual decisions.  This woman has effectively made it impossible to do my job as it stands—and she is not even my employee.

I have a choice—I can either drive myself crazy trying to do what they are telling me to do (which is different every day) or I can learn to make the right choices for myself.  This is letting go of the fear of the bullshit and stepping into who I am.  This is setting a boundary of not tolerating this type of bullying.  This is loving myself enough to have my back.  This is loving myself enough to stand in who I am and say I’ve done my best.  I don’t need to waste my time trying to defend myself—in this case in particular because this woman’s claims are unfounded.

I need to spend the time building the life I love.  If my existence here is so challenging then I can make the next right choice.  And I will always choose to love myself.  No one can make me feel inferior or worthless.  I will own my space, I will not own your discomfort.  As a whole we don’t know how to manage the truth of our lives—we create an image, a façade, and we manage that.  We haven’t learned to be comfortable in our truth, our vulnerability, and we sure as hell do not have tolerance for any flaws.

We are so reactive and so betrayed or offended by other’s realities, by their truth, by their experiences.  We feel entitled to dictate how people behave and completely ignore their experience.  This is fragility.  We spend all of our time defending an image, an ideal we created (that is no longer attainable) and then label people “bad” if they can’t get it or if they don’t want it–all in a system that will find any way to not give it.  The truth is, our system is about manipulation, power, and control.  We have equated money to God and lost all sense of connection to our humanity.  If we stopped feeding this monster we created we may find an alternative.  Finding source, connection, power WITHIN is how we will dismantle this inefficiency.  Through that connection we will put aside ego and realize how much easier this life flows when you let go.  And good lord the ego fights hard.  It’s insidious in how it latches and lingers.  But if we learn to defend the man and not the plan we find what works for us all.