Deconstructing Part 3- Connection

close up of couple holding hands

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I want to take this to a personal level.  If we don’t address the things inside of us that fall into “bad habits” or the feelings we are trying to numb, we will never get to the core of the issue on the macro level.

I mentioned in Sunday gratitude that my husband and I had an incredible talk this past weekend.  Over the last few days, we have continued the conversation.  I thought I wanted this conversation 10 years ago—and I did—but I see the value of self-realization and understand that we couldn’t have spoken like this 10 years ago.  We weren’t in this place at that time.  My husband GETS it now.  He understands things in a way that he didn’t a decade ago.  He understands his resistance to much of what I was talking about and he is finally in a place where he can look at his behavior and the events that happened in a new light.  He’s feeling his way through the actions he took, what he used to choke back, or smoke away.

For me, I understand that forcing him to see things my way would never have worked because he simply wasn’t capable of looking at things like that.  Pushing him, no matter how good my intentions, no matter how much I knew I deserved what I was asking for simply COULD NOT work.  It takes the work to accept our part in our lives and how we got where we are.

It’s a disorienting place to be.  Suddenly you’re feeling things about events long since past and reconciling your current state.  It’s like being frozen at a certain age and waking up 20 years later.  Having these conversations now is also disorienting because I’ve been waiting for it for so long.  Our relationship has evolved and I feel numb and hopeful at the same time.  Numb because I processed the events alone a long time ago—although our talks have shown me I didn’t process them as well as I thought I did.  I knew then that if I chose to stay with him I’d have to let certain things go on some level.  I had hoped at the time that we would have these types of conversations but I knew I couldn’t make that happen.

I am hopeful because this is real healing.  I see all the potential I always felt opening up.  Healing is a powerful thing.  I’m happy and I appreciate it.  The other side of this is that it feels like a death.  The truth is it is a death.  Death of the way it used to be, of how I used to see it, of how I used to experience life.

When we let things go whether they are our personal monsters or very real systemic beasts, it’s scary.  We all know we are trained to focus on the fear.  But with every death there is also a rebirth.  While it may be the death of the before, it is the rebirth of the after—and there is all the potential of the universe in the after.  While it is sad—not all of what we let go is bad—we can still acknowledge the good by mourning it appropriately and then letting go.  It does no good to lament what is broken and wallow in what we can’t change.  When we integrate the good with an openness to learn, we move forward.  Destruction doesn’t mean devastation.  It means a rebuild under a new framework with a different foundation.  More to come…

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