My husband is struggling tonight because he has come to the conclusion that he is the problem because people that were supposed to be our friends excluded him for the last two consecutive weekends (the same people, in fact who did not include me several weeks ago). I see his heart breaking because he truly cared for these people and they blatantly used him for what he could give them. This has happened frequently in both of our lives but to have it happen from this particular couple is more tender to some degree. It hurt me when this happened a few weeks ago as well, but I have had some time to work through how I really felt about it and I also have a lot of practice with reflecting and looking at the situation to understand my role in it and what happened. My husband doesn’t have that much experience there. He has a kind heart and he takes these things personally. This is something he hasn’t learned truly has nothing to do with him.
It is human nature, and far more prevalent in this day and age, to be self serving and not consider another person in one’s decisions. My husband has spent most of his life simply looking for approval and inclusion. He has been looking for love. I don’t want to go into too many of his details because that is his information to share when he is ready, but he has always done things looking for connection. I told him that this is something we need to work through together because, while we have our differences, we have always come back to each other. WE are on the same team.
That is the point. Sometimes you have to weed through the crappy relationships until you are able to find your real team. We spend more time thinking about how to impress people trying to develop a crowd thinking that the more people we have around us will keep us from feeling lonely or shitty about ourselves when in reality what we need is the real connection from having people who understand us and want to see us win. Sometimes it’s really quality over quantity and that can be a painful lesson to learn. But it is a lesson we need to know.
Support comes from people who see us at our most vulnerable and don’t shy away from it. It is from the people who lift us up and enjoy our success because they are happy we succeeded, not because of what they reap from it. Support comes from the people who see us at our highest and lowest points and welcome it all with open arms. They understand that we aren’t stuck as one person and that we will change—and they will change with us. These are the people we should strive to have around us.
This isn’t something I can force my husband to understand. He needs to come to the understanding himself and realize his own worth. No matter how many times I say it, he has to learn to believe it. This is something universal. Once we are strong enough to understand our gifts and our worth, we no longer have the patience to sit at tables where we aren’t valued or truly cared about. This takes time with ourselves and being willing to embrace who we are. Sometimes we want to believe that people are something they are not and we lose. But that is a reflection on their character, not ours. Stay true to who you are and the right team will come.