Today I am grateful for respecting my own boundaries.  For most of my life I’ve been the one to bend and people please and give up my vision and then I would get really angry and resentful that I wasn’t getting what I wanted– and the next time around I would either stuff it down and repeat the pattern or I’d explode that whoever it was didn’t realize “everything I’d done for them” or everything “I’d given up for them.”  I grew up in a bit of a contradictory family where people were incredibly generous but they’d remind you about it all the time and they’d feel entitled to some specific thing or action from you and wouldn’t ask for it in return, it would be an expectation.  It’s not like I would never return a favor, but to do things with the expectation that it gives you carte blanche to my life is conditional, rude, and a mind-fuck.  But as a kid you don’t know that, it seems normal. It took me a long time to learn that I could say no to people.  The last week has shown me what acting with confidence and assertion—not asking permission—does.  The world doesn’t end.  It isn’t as scary as we make it.  And once you do it, it becomes a whole lot easier the next time.  I needed to leave work early (outside commitment with a long commute)—there was literally no reason for me to be there as I’d finished everything and the rest of the week was set up, plus I’m salary.  I’d always felt like I had to sneak away early.  Instead I simply said I’m leaving and did what I had to do.  My time is my time and I work when it’s needed so I don’t need permission to work on my own schedule as long as what needs to is getting done.  It’s empowering to operate on our own.

Today I am grateful for coming to terms with what needs to be let go of.  I’ve been the one trying to preserve the past, to uphold tradition, to make the family comfortable (specifically my parents) but I’ve reached a limit.  I know I can’t continue to hold onto everything everyone loved and be the one to put it all together.  It’s too heavy a burden.  We are meant to form our own traditions and I’ve spent my life remembering those special moments from childhood, the ones that made me feel safe and I’ve tried to repeat them.  Those were some of the happiest moments in my life.  Seeing what it takes to hold onto the things that made those moments special is too much.  I literally don’t have the room for it.  I can’t take on the special moments I’ve had with each person in my family and represent those times with stuff.  At some point it all becomes stuff.  As a record keeper, it’s hard for me to admit that because I love to have the “things” associated with the moment, I have a very real fear of not being able to get something again, and I like to hold onto the truth of what was.  But we can’t carry that forever.  Literally.  It takes up too much space physically and mentally and emotionally.  So it’s time to let it go.  The thing isn’t what’s important, it’s the memory and the feeling.

Today I am grateful for getting more comfortable consciously making decisions.  This one is more about practicing what I preach.  It’s something I’m very aware needs to be done, it’s something I’ve been passionate about, It’s something I believe in, and it’s something I understand very deeply.  But when it comes to putting it into practice and making decisions like that for myself, I either feel guilty or not confident in my choices.  I tend to think of the worst-case scenario and end up repeating a pattern or not doing anything at all.  There comes a time though, when we realize that we only have so much time and literally everything we’ve understood about life and our relationships and the need to defer to some sort of hierarchy is all crap.  It’s all made up.  I’m not saying that there aren’t consequences to things—if you continually walk out on your job or show up late then there’s a chance you get fired.  But I’m saying if that job isn’t a good fit anyway and you need to move onto something else, then does it matter if you prioritize that move?  Would the loss really impact you the same way?  It’s about focus and understanding what is needed in the moment and what the big picture is long term.  If that choice won’t matter 5 years from now, then why are we waiting for it?

Today I am grateful to shoot my shot.  I’ve been struggling with my 9-5 for ages and I’m aware of transitioning into a slight “golden handcuffs” situation.  Believe me I’m not rolling in it, but my salary does afford my home and keeping food on the table and supporting my family and some of the extras that we like in life.  But I’ve felt so trapped by the current role because it isn’t what I really want with the division of attention all the time—it’s high stress, high demand, and built in ADHD on a daily basis.  I was asked to be a stakeholder for upcoming changes to the one area of my work that I actually do really enjoy.  I’ve often said that if I just had one area my job would be more tolerable, and that IS true, but this is one area that sparks my interest and creativity and it feels a more natural fit to me.  So I went for it.  I joined the meeting and I presented my case, I answered all the team’s questions, I promoted my product, and I advocated for it loud and clear as a system option.  I have no answer on their choices yet and I have no idea when they will want additional information, but I am proud that I spoke confidently for the tool that I believe in and a role that I can see myself taking and, honestly, potentially finding some actual satisfaction in it even if it is a 9-5—and it won’t be a traditional 9-5 anyway.  There is freedom in this role around setting my schedule and that’s exactly what I’m looking for.  I’m proud I went for it and I’m excited to move forward with the opportunities that come from it.

Today I am grateful to explore possibilities.  My husband and I have been reviewing where we are at and the things we are happy with as well as what we want for the future.  When we moved into this house we immediately deemed it our forever home—and it really is the type of home that would be our forever home.  We really don’t have much need for anything else but some additional organization and better storage options and more outdoor space would be nice—and living in an HOA isn’t ideal.  This home gives us everything we need and the ability to help my entire family if needed and the ability to support my business and my writing and creativity.  But we feel like we are missing something so we’ve been looking at land and what our options are to build and have more outdoor space.  Some of the things we were planning for in the future (my parents moving in etc.) may not happen so, if that’s the case, then we don’t necessarily need all of this.  We’ve been trying to figure out what a good fit is for us and what we really want our life to look like in the future.  It gets scary for me because I automatically think about what if it doesn’t work?  What if it’s more than we think it will be?  What if we aren’t able to make it happen?  What if I change my mind?  But I’m aware of future tripping and I’m working on reeling that in.  I’m asking what feels right in this moment and the truth is, it does feel good to start talking opportunities.  We’ve sought freedom and with that comes responsibility so if we work on creating this, it will give us all the freedom we are looking for.  I don’t know what the future holds, but I know there are possibilities.

Today I am grateful for a physical experience of duality and change. Today is the Fall equinox, a day when there are equal hours of light and dark. In the midst of all the turmoil and change of this year, particularly this summer, there is a certain poetry in the natural order of things that reminds us the world quite literally evens out at some point. All the energy balances. No matter how much pain and frustration we may feel, there will be equal periods of joy and happiness. No matter how lost we feel, we will find our direction. No matter how much we feel we have lost (or fear loss), we will be full again (and have hope). We are part of the natural cycle no matter how much we insist on our personal power and refuse to acknowledge the need for surrender and clarity. Is what we share with the world enough? Is it authentic enough? Is it what feels like purpose? Are we honoring our light and dark and what our rhythm tells us? We need the light and the dark and today, as we enter a new season, is the embodiment of what our ancestors never forgot: we have a place in this world that we are meant to figure out and we do that by honoring the cycle of life. Today, don’t press harder than necessary, rather, find the flow and be ok with whatever that brings, be who we are. The fullest expression of authenticity will only serve to increase the light in the world. It may not change the length of our days but it will certainly increase the light available in those days. Have heart, keep hope, remember the mind, and follow the natural rhythm and the rest will fall into place, just as each season falls upon us in the right time. Welcome this new season

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.