Things have been rough at work for a while. And even when they’re not rough, I found myself waiting for the other shoe to drop– because that’s what happens. The environment I work in now thrives on the drama and creating crises to fight. On top of that, there has been a cyclical increase in focusing on the petty crap, like what someone looks like and throwing each other under the bus. We think so narrowly and look at what we have always done as the bible that we aren’t adapting to what is actually happening. I’ve been sitting for a while with this feeling in my stomach, this knot that’s growing because it no longer feels good. It no longer feels good to have to pretend on a daily basis that it’s ok to focus on something so far off the issue. It no longer feels good to be dismissed when I bring up an alternative viewpoint. I’ve recently taken the leap and gone for an interview in an area completely different than where I’ve been for the last 20 years. I felt a lot of intimidation by the fact that this isn’t an area of my expertise. But something told me to go for it. Something told me this is a chance to learn under a new style of management and take on different projects and to learn new skills.
The truth is, it gets boring fighting the same fight day after day with no gain. There is no purpose and very little genuine appreciation. The work isn’t appreciated and the focus is frustratingly off track. Now, even those things wouldn’t be a problem if the work is fulfilling but the problem is the same as it is everywhere else: we don’t look for the good in it. There is always another level to attain and rather than focus on the 98% that is good, the 2% overshadows anything positive. There is no way to dig out from under that especially when someone is holding the weight down. We have an image to uphold as a group and anything that may be contrary to that (even if it ends up moving us forward) is looked down on.
In circumstances like that, you have to make the choice to grow or stay in the same place. Comfort is a killer and quite frankly, it takes just as much energy to stay the same as it does to grow. The difference is the focus. I’m a really empathetic person and I’m highly sensitive. I’m guilty of taking things way too personally. But there comes a time when you know it’s not just the sensitivity on high. You can read people like a book and you know their intentions will not change. You know they meant every word of what they said as a “joke” and that they did it at your expense. That isn’t a healthy working environment. The truth is I know the value of my teams and what they are capable of and I fight for that every day. But I can’t make anyone else see that if they are choosing to see what isn’t.
So I had to make a decision. I can respect that there are goals we need to meet and things we need to do, that isn’t the problem. But the methodology is. I can’t say my way is always right, but I’m tired of it always being wrong in this environment. And no, that is completely ego. This is a matter of I can say the sky is blue and they would be like, “No, it’s a certain shade of blue.” The soul can only tolerate that for so long, especially when the task isn’t the calling in the first place. I’m not sure where this path will take me but I am certain it will get me exactly where I’m meant to be. I want everyone to remember that they can do hard things and take those leaps. Those wings will catch you!