Today I am grateful for a break in the darkness. I’ve been so dark the last few weeks that I didn’t think light existed anymore. I had a conversation with my sister that threw me for a loop as we are in the midst of dealing with my parent’s health issues and it made me think a lot about my life. Some of what she said was judgmental as she doesn’t know the full story but other parts of it resonated and made me feel sick. Sick because I’ve known those parts are true but I haven’t been able to do anything about it. It isn’t my job to do anything about it to some degree. And that is when I felt better. My sister wasn’t even part of the concerns she brought up, so why was I letting her get to me? I woke up yesterday and that is the first time I didn’t feel the crushing weight of, “I don’t even know what steps I need to take today.” Nothing is actually resolved, but I see we are heading in the right direction.
Today I am grateful to realize where my worth is. I went to visit my mother at her facility and met one of the CNAs for the first time. Within 5 seconds, the first thing he brought up was my height. I felt the anger as I always do and I choked it down like I always do. I mean, I get it, it’s a noticeable feature, but I’m so tired of my entire existence being diminished to my height. I had to remind myself that we are all going through a hard time. It’s so hard to not take those things personally because they are about my person. But I know I am more than what I look like.
Today I am grateful to remember who I am. Following up on the previous point, I know when someone is feeling weak or down in some aspect of their lives they will focus on the easy target. I am short but that is not who I am. I have accomplished a lot in my life and none of that has to do with how I look. Just because it is your focus, that is not mine. It hurts being the one to take it and have to choke back my anger about it but if I want to move forward, I have to remember their initial reaction says more about who they are than who I am. Their shallowness and inability to see through external appearance is their deficit, not mine. I am strong, I am smart, I have a message to share and your opinion doesn’t matter on that topic.
Today I am grateful to incorporate the lesson that we can have the same experience differently. We can be together and take away two different experiences at the same time. No matter how much effort I put into making the person see it my way, they won’t. Their experience is based on their interpretation which is the culmination of their other experiences. I don’t need to accept negative behavior toward me as a result and I don’t need to pretend it’s ok. I don’t need to accept someone else’s agreement with it either. I am allowed my experience the same as they are and it doesn’t make me crazy if they don’t see it my way—and it doesn’t make their interpretation correct either. And that is FINE. Letting the world move forward regardless is letting the ego go and stepping into my own identity.
Today I am grateful to know it is ok to do what I need to do. I’ve seen a lot of cardinals lately so I finally looked up their spiritual meaning. I’ve knew they were messages from our loved ones who have passed, but they also mean connecting with our purpose, our home, setting boundaries, and manifesting. I didn’t know those latter points and it floored me. I’ve been questioning my worth and how to move forward and asking why I’ve been faced with the same challenges repeatedly, and I see now that it has been up to me to make the decision. We can face the same situation over and over again but until we do it differently, we will get the same result. We have to decide differently. So, the universe has been telling me to decide and now it wants me to know that not only is it time, it is necessary to do so. My gut is right and I can trust. It is time to make the decision that best benefits my sanity and my home instead of anyone else. And that decision will manifest what I need.
Today I am grateful to understand an aspect of the universe in a new way. The last few weeks have been challenging and I found myself emotionally drained and compromised. Even communicating with my husband has been difficult and it culminated in an absolute screaming breakdown from me. A few days have since passed and I see things a little differently. Sometimes we have to hit our lowest to eliminate all the distraction and possibility and to work with what is. Sometimes it’s a reminder that things have a way of working out. “This too shall pass” rings in a new way for me. Two days ago I was in a heap on the floor unable to breathe I was crying so hard and suddenly things are heading toward ok again. Time changes things—good or bad is irrelevant—but things will not look the same. Give it time.
Wishing you a wonderful week ahead!