After a lot of deep thought after the post about light and my fears related to time, I realized how much healing I have left to do. I started listening to what I was hearing instead of letting it run rampant and I heard myself saying, “I don’t want to be stuck like this anymore.” The universe replied, “You don’t have to be.” “But I don’t know how to heal, this keeps happening.” And the universe said, “Put it down.” I have the choice to keep defining myself as the girl looking to be perfect and the girl who won’t make it on her own, the girl who needs others to lift her up to succeed. Or I can put down what I’ve been fearing, and step into my power.
Friday was my dad’s birthday and he is one of the ones I feel is trying to “run out the clock.” He is tired and he is disappointed in his life. He is resigned that it’s over for him. That isn’t the truth, but that is his mindset. And I fear losing him because that is my DAD. Not that I don’t have infinite love for my mother, but she is resilient in a different way. My father is not. Saturday was my grandmother’s birthday. And I see how much I am like she was. The youngest in the family, always striving to prove, needing to be perfect in order to get attention, also having those who love us hate us for that, feeling so lonely and isolated. Trying to find safety, so needing to control everything. And that is the wound that I need to heal.
It isn’t about letting go of time and being flippant with responsibility, but it is about recognizing that we only have power over ourselves and that we can redirect as needed. It’s redefining the relationship with time and understanding that while time is short, we have enough. We are here on a bigger plan than our own and we need to make the most of what we have. It is all part of something greater than ourselves. When the fear is healed, that is when presence comes in. And when presence comes in, that is when life happens. It isn’t about controlling actions and perceptions, it’s about channeling our own behaviors. It’s about being firmly grounded in reality.