Sunday Gratitude

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Today I am grateful for painful truths.  There is nothing more equalizing/sobering/humbling than finding out the truth about how other people feel.  We have no say in how people think about us or what story they tell themselves about us (and there is a good reason for that).  But there are times we may have a suspicion that the surface isn’t entirely true and then we may get a glimpse in the form of an off comment, something that sticks out.  They may try to brush it off as humor, but we know there is a bit of truth in every “joke,” even the ones at our expense.  Yes, it is painful, especially when it’s someone you trust, or someone you thought was clear on how they felt and you find it was the opposite.  But it gives you exactly what you need to level-set.  The truth puts you in reality and allows you to move forward.  You can’t move forward if you’re not starting from where you are.  Honesty gives you a foundation, so let your little tower fall and build anew.  You want something authentic anyway—at least I do. 

Today I am grateful for time to myself.  My husband left the house early to go fishing.  After an emotionally tough week, I’ve felt like I ran a marathon.  My mind is tired and confused.  I’ve felt a deep calling to do nothing and recharge.  A deep sense that I need to ground and connect.  I’ve spent so many years living up to people’s expectations and doing what they want me to that I have spiraled out into confusion about what I really need.  When you are striving to create a new life, there is a period where you are straddling the old life and trying to walk into the new life.  We can only stretch so much before we have to let go of something.  So having some time to pause and really reflect on what I need to do is helpful.

Today I am grateful to take a moment to recognize what is good about me.  This past week really weighed me down and had me questioning my worth.  The echoing words of someone close to me being “disappointed in my actions” kept flowing through my head and that just led to replaying every crappy thing I’ve ever done and feeling completely worthless.  As I’m taking time to re-center and decide what I need to do next, I listened to Mel Robbins as she is promoting her High 5 Habit right now.  She talks about how hard we are on ourselves and it hit me in that moment I’ve never taken the time to really respect and appreciate all I’ve done.  Maybe THAT is why people feel it’s ok to undermine me: I undermine myself by downplaying my achievements.  I’m balancing quite a load of stuff and trying my best to keep it all level.  But I’m seeing it isn’t meant to be level.  So I will start with I’m proud of my skill to re-evaluate what is important.  I’m proud of my ability to re-frame events that have happened. I’m proud of my dedication to finding the truth, not what is convenient to get a middle ground.  I’m proud I still have the ability to see what is good around me in spite of what’s happening.     

Today I am grateful for my resilience.  My presence in this world has felt tenuous at best, like I’ve been on borrowed time.  Like I don’t belong in any room I’ve been in (I have a piece on that coming up).  I’ve tried to prove my worth to so many people, people I never even knew.  I’ve worked twice as hard as some for a quarter of the recognition, and even then, I’m not taken seriously.  So I’ve spent a lot of my time living a very serious life, making serious decisions, and taking on serious tasks all to prove I’m capable.  I know there are people who have had it far worse than I have and I will NEVER undermine true tragedy for my fragile ego—but I can no longer discount the damage that amount of work and ridicule and the energy spent trying to find validation has done to me.  I’m grateful for the strength to stand up and try new things.  I’m grateful for the capacity and capability to do what is right for me.  It may not look how I want it to, but fuck it, I will do it on my own.     

Today I’m grateful to recognize where I’m at.  Granted it’s not where I want to be, but seeing the reality of where I’m at gives me space to move forward.  That has always been one of my tools.  When it gets too overwhelming or there is too much input or confusion, I stop and gather my bearings.  Right now, that’s what I’m in the process of doing.  All of this hurt is leading me to something.  It’s pointing something out.  And that is something I need to work on and address, in me.  I’m working on finding the nerve that all of this hit, the nerve that has been so exposed for the last few weeks.  I can move forward and heal from there.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

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