Photo by Harry Cooke on

“When things are shaky and nothing is working, we might realize that we are on the verge of something.  We might realize that this is a very vulnerable and tender place, and that tenderness can go either way. We can shut down and feel resentful or we can touch in on that throbbing quality,” Pema Chodron.  I’ve had a choice of mindset the last few weeks.  As you know, we’ve been searching for our forever home and it has not been going well.  We’ve sold our house and haven’t been able to purchase a new home yet.  Not having a home is the shakiest ground I’ve been on. 

Like Chodron says, it is incredibly vulnerable.  We have a son and a dog and three cats and no place to go yet and we are at the mercy of other people’s bank accounts.  Of course resentment comes in as we roll with rejection after rejection.  We’ve been rejected because of the amount of earnest money, because of the offer, because we didn’t offer a vacation with the purchase (which is fucking bribery, just sayin’), because we didn’t offer to pay their previous years taxes (again, bribery—I’m not paying taxes on a property I haven’t lived in). 

The throbbing quality for me, is fear.  It’s fear of not being good enough because everything we do is on display.  It’s the fear of continuing to fail at guessing what people want for their homes.  It’s the fear of not having a place to go.  It’s the fear of settling for something we don’t really love because we need a home.  It’s the fear that my faith and my hopes were all wrong and that we are really on our own.  It’s the complete uncertainty of the situation.  I’m trying to figure out what I can do to ease this.  I’m trying to rely on the idea that what is meant to be will happen and we will find the place that is meant for us.  But it’s hard.

I recognize that this is an opportunity for me to break some habits.  This is a chance to stand firm and not settle like I’ve done a million times before.  This is a chance to not let fear win.  This is a chance to be patient and see what is really meant for us.  To believe that what I want is out there and that I can have it.  It’s also an opportunity to take the leap before I’m ready.  The house we put an offer in on yesterday is at the higher end of our budget so I’ve been nervous we couldn’t afford it.  But the space is exactly what we need for right now as well as for the future.  Later that day, my brother came forward with an opportunity for my husband that would greatly improve our circumstances…so the universe does have a funny way of working out if we are patient enough to see it through.

The ground is shaky and that is scary, no doubt about it.  But it is also a cleansing.  When the ground is shaky, there is only so much you can hold onto while you’re trying to gain equilibrium.  It shows you what is really important.  The rest falls away.  That much is relieving.  As we gain our footing through this process, we have no choice but to move forward.  I know things will eventually fall where they may, where they are supposed to.  I also know I may forget that every now and then and I may fall into fear.  But as we take our steps together, we will eventually settle down enough to see where we are being taken.  To our home.

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