Deja Vu

Photo by Silver Works on

I want to preface this piece with this:  I know some of my behaviors can seem hypocritical, not out of spite or malice, but out of a lack of the faith I speak of so often here.  I KNOW I’ve shared before that I truly believe what I write here, and I do—I just struggle to apply it to myself.  I struggle to find that level of belief and acceptance for myself.  That doesn’t mean I don’t believe it, it means it’s an area of development for me.  With that being said, I am STILL a wholly faithful person, I just need to work on keeping my foundation firm in that faith regardless of what happens.  Then there are moments that can not be described by anything other than divine work.  I promise what happened next is all true.

There are times our faith is unquestionably tested.  In some of my experiences, I’m seeing this as more tested/proven.  Last weekend my family and I planned a last minute trip with our friends to a local junking/antiquing event.  The family has never done anything like that before so we had no idea what to expect.  Before we went to the actual event, we met at one of the houses for breakfast.  When we pulled up, everything seemed totally normal.  The last couple arrived and we walked in together.  I had seen photos of the house previously (we were comparing Christmas decorations at the time ) but I had never been there.  When we walked in, everything was still just fine, so our friends asked if we wanted a tour and I immediately said yes.  I freaking love looking at houses, it’s something I’ve done since I was a kid—I know I’m not alone in this.  I walked into their kitchen/dining area and took off my coat and put my things down.  We then went upstairs, then all the way down to the basement.  When we came back up to the main level, we saw the master suite, went all the way through the living/kitchen area, and then came back to the dining nook.  My mind immediately felt like it melted: I KNEW I had been there before.

I felt a neurological chill run down my entire spine and I swayed on the spot.  It wasn’t just that I had been there, I had been in that moment.  I had done all of this, seen this exact spot down to the lighting before.  I even told the group that I had dreamt this.  I hadn’t experienced Déjà vu like that every before.  This was entirely visceral, whole body, my mind felt like a record skipping for a moment as I tried to remember what happened next.  It felt like a glitch for sure.  I mentioned it and my friend said, “I’ve shown you pictures, that has to be it.”  I told her it’s possible, but it was the lighting that did it for me.  I let it go, we ate breakfast, then started getting ready to go.  My son realized he needed more water so my husband got his travel cup from the truck but our friend (the owner of the house) got a cup from his cabinet.  By the time he was asking about the water, the Déjà vu hit again.  Down to the conversation, and I said so.  No one really paid much mind but I felt so strange.  As we drove to the fair, I talked to my husband and neither of us could really put an answer on it.   

We arrived at the event and I couldn’t shake the feeling.  One of my friends simply said, “You get used to it, the premonitions.”  Well, I hadn’t considered that this was a premonition.  I started talking about the universe aligning, and maybe this was the result of two universes coalescing and becoming one.  No sooner had I said it than it happened again—I saw a building out of the corner of my eye and I almost collapsed: I had BEEN here, but it wasn’t just the location, it was the light, it was the time, everything.  I felt weak as I squeaked out that it was happening again.  The chills seemed to emit from my spine and my heart pounded to the point of palpitations.  Our friends said, “You’re meant to be here.”  While it was comforting, it also felt like that point in the movie when the group turns around and starts chanting, “One of us, one of us.”  I couldn’t escape that feeling.  As it happened, we needed to leave to meet my parents shortly after visiting the building I seemed to have materialized from a dream.

We met my parents at our house and by this point I’m continuing on with my day.  Yes, still creeped out, still trying to make sense of what happened, but I’m the host now.  The visit went perfectly fine until almost an hour in when my father said they had to leave.  When I turned to reply/question why they were leaving so soon (it takes them nearly that long to get out to me, stay for such a short time ?), it struck me almost as hard as it had at the fair: We’ve had this conversation!  Again, it wasn’t just the words or the people, it was everything down to the way the sun came through the window, to the position my parents were in relative to my son.  It felt almost out of body, like I was witnessing it like a movie playing that I had to watch all over again. 

Look, I know some of this may seem insignificant but the FEELING was so intense, I could feel my nerves firing.  I have no other way to describe it.  This wasn’t just a moment of, “I’ve seen this before, weird.”  It was the absolute certainty that I had DONE this before.  I had lived these moments, or someone had, and they were projecting through my mind again.  Never in my life have I experienced Déjà vu that intensely.  I’ve been pondering different meanings—universes aligning, the merging of who I am with who I am meant to be, the unleashing of actual premonition.  But what if it was simply a nod, a bridge to faith that the universe wants me exactly where I am right now?  I can deal with that.  Whatever my body was telling me, I know it was something important.  I have never had to take that great a pause in an event in my entire life.  But I am here for it. Not everything needs to be explained.  Not everything needs a grand reason.  Sometimes we just need to keep going, to do our part.    

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