My emotions have gotten the best of me for the last few weeks. I’ve felt all over the place, really unclear, simultaneously excited/hopeful/scared. Mostly I’ve felt really annoyed with everything. Like every little thing has set me off and I’ve felt disconnected from my own body because it seems like no one can get their shit together. People have been losing their minds and I’ve been on the receiving end of madness I truly don’t understand. Plus, at work, I’ve been between four separate locations all with different responsibilities, my boss has told me that things are going to go one way and then changed them hours later…so nothing has been stable.
I’ve spoken of life being in constant flux—which I accept. But being expected to accomplish anything when you’re pulled in a million different directions is NOT possible. I honestly thought that I was unstable, like something was really wrong with me and I wanted to get medication and then I honestly looked at my day and how I was spending my time. There was not one thing that could be seen to completion in a standard work day and allow me to get home to spend time with my son, to have a healthy meal, to get my other work done…there was just no way. THIS is why I felt insane. Nothing was wrong with my brain.
The human mind isn’t designed to split like that. We are told that we need to do a million things in order to be worthy but we are just NOT meant to be that way. It serves the mind to be of singular focus and we need to honor that, not berate it. I’ve allowed myself to feel inadequate because I couldn’t keep up. So I’ve been eating a ton, I’ve been overwhelmed, I haven’t been focused on anything, especially to my goals.
In this state of self-pity and shame, I saw myself in the mirror as I walked into my kitchen tonight and my jaw dropped. I truly didn’t recognize myself. I feel so uncomfortable in my skin, I’m seeing the weight gain, my hair isn’t cooperating. I went upstairs and I just happened to go by one of our other mirrors and I looked different. Still not my best, but nowhere near as frumpy or unkempt and the weight didn’t look as bad. It hit me how most of the outside world lies to us. While it is also said that the outside is a reflection of the inside, it isn’t always accurate.
In my case, yes, I’ve gotten off track and I see it, but how I look isn’t paramount. I know how I feel and because I’m feeling so off, I know I need to listen and act to remedy that. The other day I wrote about having intentions and how important it is to put the things you value first. You can’t just SAY you value something, you have to act on it. For me I value my health and that includes all facets of my health: mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional. I can’t let my mental health suffer because I’m worried about what my boss needs or having to rush around to make everyone happy. I can’t let my emotional health suffer because I don’t know how to say no.
When you look in the mirror you are blessed to see the person responsible for changing your life. I saw myself in multiple lights, seeing how I morphed from one floor of my house to another. And I understood that neither of those people are me. Sometimes it takes a little reminder, a little visual of who you aren’t to remind you of who you are.